I am a genious

IRONY

Throughout my many years of schooling and social interactions, it has become clear that many are unclear on the concept of "irony". Irony is located in the "things elementary school teachers tried, and miserably failed, to teach us" files, right alongside "Vowels" (hold your criticisims, im talking about kindergarten), "Long division", "Respect", and, well "Vowels" once again (im sorry, but how the fuck can "Y" be a sometimes vowel? The day i allow my letters to have free will is the day I use "Larry the Cable Guy" and "Funny" in the same sentence. Remember your place "Y", you're second to last already, and last time I checked "Z" was looking for a promotion). I still remember what book we were reading when the concept of Irony came up, it was "A Girl Named Disaster", and was full of symbolism that our hyper-active minds flat out refused to comprehend. I'd say that there were quite a few girls in that class who could've easily been named "Disaster". I wonder what there up to now adays? At any rate, our teacher (God bless her patient, hard working, and, in retrospect lesbian, heart) tried to teach us what Irony was. Tried being the key word, and teach being the locked word.

At any rate, i did eventually learn what Irony was. And no, its not a large vowel molded out of a sturdy metal (think about it for a minute. No? Not gettin' it? Ok, i'll give you a hint. "iron" is the metal i was referring to. "E" is the vowel i was referring to. "Reefer" was the slang term for marijuana i was referring to. And yes, i do know my vowels now thank you very much. I also know my Consonants, except im confused as to whether Antarctica counts)(I also realize that by this point half my story has been put in paranthasees, but hey, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. And when keyboards give you parenthasees, you make paranthesee sandwiches. Oh you make them alright) but it is actually a state of affairs that is amusingly contradictory. See the title to this blog. No i will not retype it you lazy bastard, scroll up. (Interestingly enough, that last sentence was unintentionally ironic.) The title, as you hopefully noticed, includes a stupid spelling mistake that contradicts its message. If you are still unclear on "Irony" fear not, for this next bit is an even clearer example. Some might say even more stupid.


Now, every year, my school has an assembly where the gifted minds and athletes are rewarded in order to make the rest feel like worthless piles of shit right before their dull, meaningless summer vacations. Seriously, they put this thing right before vacation. After its over we're free. Perhaps thats why I felt like i could...well, read on. Anyhow, have you ever played the game where you toss a water balloon back and forth until it breaks on someone? The person it breaks on is usually the same person who pokes himself in the eye during the doctors hand eye coordination exam (warranting the first ever flat out laugh from a p.h.D., as they are generally restricted to highbrow chuckles at the misfortunes of what they affectionately refer to as "normie-tards", such as us). Anyhow, this person is me. That is to say i'm not the most athletically gifted. I'm not the asthmatic with the broken glasses on the sideline, but i'm not the one who deserves MVP either (and by MVP i am indeed referring to the movie about the monkey who plays hockey. Its a monkey, who plays hockey. For the love of God, the awards practically win themselves. And then they give it a uproariously clever title such as, "MVP: Most Valuable Primate"). That being said, it was the sports section of the awards ceremony, and i knew i wouldn't be walking up to the stage to receive any awards.

My freind on my right side was not convinced however. Lets call him Mr. E (holy shit, "mystery"="Mr. E". Totally unintentional, and also a simpsons rip-off. No, his name honestly begins with an "E"). Mr. E noticed the "Sportsmanship Award" and was convinced that i would receive it. This may have something to do with the fact that i was everybody's favorite lacrosse "punching bag", (although i prefer the term "Total Badass") and was quite sportsman-like about the whole situation (though to be honest, everybody's manners should improve when they are dealing with larger, irrational teenagers with metal poles (and good lawyers, seeing as this is lacrosse)). I, still a skeptic of the "hey you know that little dude who is pretty mediocre at stuff? well lets give that guy an award!" theory, expressed to Mr. E how utterly hilariously ironic it would be to receive such an award in a completely unsportsman-like manner. Mr. E got me to promise that i would do so should i be the recipient. I promised, still unconvinced of the "dude, we give waaay to many awards to talented people who deserve them. Lets just give one to some guy" theory.

Guess who won?

Me, thats who (or is it "whom"?)

So they give a short speech justifying me being the winner, and call me to receive my award. I leave the aisle, taunting those i have to step over, and acting as cocky as possible. I continue this attitude, sorry, badittude, all the way to the stage and to the high level people presenting me with the award. How high level? Try "Head of the WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL". Anyhow, i give this person attitude in keeping with my resolve to be unsportsmanlike. I'll try to clarify this. I shook hands, but in a "i'm better than you, therefore i'll roll my eyes and refuse to even look at you" sorta way. Then i migrate to the center of the stage with my award for the cherry on top of the ice cream (What flavor was this ice cream? Chocolate chip cookiedoughN'T EVER GIVE THIS KID AN AWARD EVER AGAIN). I raised the award over my head and taunted the audience with a classy, "IN YO FACE!". I apologize sincerely for not adding "biotches" to the end of this.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Irony.

So, why the hell would I do this? First of all, it was pretty perfect. Second, i made a promise, and i keep promises. And i don't make such wise promises. I grew an afro. "why? WHY?" you might ask. Yes, i asked myself why as well. Cuz i promised thats "Y", and that is an instance of when "Y" is a vowel. And Larry the Cable guy had a funny joke, just one.