The Following Story was originally written as a note on Facebook, coming to completion on February 22, 2007, shortly after the events of the story. It remains to this day both my proudest piece of writing ( even better than anything I wrote in 11 years of schooling) and the most epic Facebook note. Ever. So now, I present to you, in its entirety,
Appendicitis Now: Un-Cut
CHAPTER 1:---Thursday Morning
Sometimes, you can tell a day is going to suck by the way it starts. This was one of those days. I woke up feeling what i believed was bad gas from the rotten meatballs i had been fed the previous night. I got up and ate breakfast, frosted mini wheats. A wheat fiber got caught between my braces and my gum. It hurt. I brushed it out, but then the toothbrush hurt where the fiber poked my gum. After i was dressed, showered and ready to go, i went out to the car. Now this was the day after a snow day, and my dad was parked in a snow/ice drift. Geuss who got to push the car out of it?
Then off to school, though I left school a bit early, due to my condition gettin worse. Good call. took a bit of a nap. When i woke up, i felt pain on my lower right side. Didnt think much of it. till later on that night.
CHAPTER 2:--- If the pain gets worse, come tell us so we can tell you to tell - us if the pain gets worse.
Now, i pretty much owe my life to a few factors.
#1: G-d
#2: my brother
#3: Carelessness
Now you might be wondering why i owe my life to my brother. (and by brother i mean Joe, sorry Tom.) Well, my bro joe had appendicitus a few months back, and if he hadnt i never would have suspected that might be what i had. Now take this to note for later on in the story, i told my family that i had pain in the lower right because i knew the appendix was on one side or the other. My mother said, "oh, you have pain on the right? why, that's where ur apendix is." Then she spoke no more. No calls to doctors. I got up in my pain, wandered into a cold room and went to webMD on my dad's computer.
Here is a lesson on web MD: They will tell you that everything is fine
and what u have if it goes away after passing gas or a little bit of time. They will not tell you what's wrong or what to do if it doesnt go away or gets worse, which is what i realy wanted to know, and why i would be on the frickin' site IN THE FIRST PLACE! There are links for small problems, but no mention of severe problems. My conclusion from webMD, i didnt have appendicitus. I asked my parents, they said, "go to sleep, if it gets worse, tell us." so i went up the stairs, bent over in pain, and then to bed.
When ur sick, u tend to halucinate in bed. This was no exception. Cept i halucinated that i was at the hospital and everything was frosty. I felt safe. Then i came to conciousness and lay in pain. worse than before. i laid awake for quite a while untill my mom came to check on me, at about 2:30. Remember how she said, tell me if the pain gets worse? Ya i told her the pain was worse. The verdict? go back to bed and we'll call the doctor in the morning. That was a little much for me. i said, "shouldn't i go to the hospital?" and finally there was an investigation into whether or not i had it.
CHAPTER 3:---I got a Fever, and the only prescription, is not more Cowbell
Now here's a quick question:
You are a nurse with many thermometrers in your house. Your child and you somewhat suspect that he may have a somewhat serious health issue. a side-affect of which is fever. Do you wait untill 2:30 am to take your child's temperature or call a doctor?
Aparently, yes, yes you do.
My mother busted out a "new" thermometer of hers and stuck it in my mouth. we waited for it to beep. and waited. and waited. It was in my mouth for at least five minutes, probly more. With the plastic rod im my mouth, i couldnt tell my parents i was feeling nauseous, another symptom. Finally, my mother got out another thermometer, after 'staying the course' for long enough, and within 20 seconds, we had a result. I had a fever allright... and it wasn't dico fever.
So we called up the doctor, he asked a few questions:
-Is it "tender" on the right side?
Tender? i dont know what "tender" feels like. I know what tender tastes like... Ya sure, its..."tender..."
-Did the pain start in the middle, then move to the right?
ya, pretty much
-Jump and tell me if it hurts.
...ok, it hurts to walk, it hurts to lie down, it hurts to ride in a car, and im doubled over in pain.... its going to hurt to jump, but i will
#JUMP#
Ya, it hurt all right.
-Take him to childrens hospital.
CHAPTER 4:--- Diagnosis, Diagnosis, and somemore Diagnosis
I have never been a patient in a hospital before this experience, and hopefully i dont end up there to many times in my future. I wish the same for all of you. This was a learning process for me. I learned that hospitals are horribly mis-mannaged places. If you have an emergency, you had better be prepared to walk and stand around.
Me and my mother walked to the check in counter, or whatever it was, and the lady asked when my bithday was. I was hunched over using the desk to keep myself up, waiting for my mother to answer, when i realized she didnt know what my birthday was. "April 20 mom..." i said
"1991..." After answering more questions, and then reclairifying them for the women behind the desk, she told us where to go.
"Do you need a wheelchair?" the woman asked. "No." my mother promptly answered before i could. so, i hobbled down the hallway, relieved to finaly sit down. A nurse came in and started to diagnose me. "Did ur pain start in the middle, then move to the right?" me, "Ya", her, "when did the pain start?" me "this morning" her, "when did u feel pain on the right?" me "came home, took a nap, felt it when i woke up." Does this hurt?" she pushed on my tummy. (ya i just said tummy. Got a problem? its fun to say. Stomach? who the hell invented that word? i feel like i need to rehydrate and take a breather after saying it. "tummy" is quick and easy.) "does this hurt?" i thought, ya it fuckin kills. "ya" i said. She tried other locations around my abdomen. they all pretty much hurt, cept for ones on the left. Then she pushed in on the right, directly over the apendix, and asked if it hurt more when she pushed in or let go. it hurt more when she let go and i told her so. Then she asked me one of the most impossible questions in the universe. I swear she asked it for her own amusment. "if u could rate your pain on a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest, ten being the highest, where are you?" Ok, so if 10 is the worst possible pain imaginable, i dont think anybody could live through it. 9 is a step down, and therefore a miracle that you are still well enough to answer. 8 is a step down from 9, so pretty fucking terrible pain. 7 is bad pain. so i said '"7, but its just continuous" Now, this is just my system for judging 1-10. I dont know how the medical staff sees it. I doubt it is an essential question. picture this scenario:
"ok mr. Gunshot Wound, if u could rate ur pain, 1-10, what would it be?"
"GHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"
"Sir, i need an answer."
"KILLLLL MEEEEE!!!"
"Sir, we cannot properly treat you unless you give us a number."
"10!!! for the love of god 10!!!!"
"you fuckin' liar!"
and so that was the process.
Then a doctor came in and did the exact same thing. Then a Surgeon. then another surgeon. I swear, the EXACT SAME PROCESS. the same fucking question. the same fucking push on my tummy. The same fucking "does it hurt more when i release?" They all asked me my birthday, my allergies, if i had previous health problems... the same questions over and over. Hospitals either dont communicate AT ALL or everybody in the place completly distrusts one another. You would think that a place dedicated to saving the lives of children would be a little more efficient.
You thought wrong.
CHAPTER 5:---preparin' for surgery
Here is where i first met the iv. It would imprint lasting memories on me. Through the iv, they pumped in liquid and antibiotics. When the iv is empty, it beeps untill it is changed. And everybody ignores it for quite a while. Everybody, cept for the patient. that thing is fucking annoying. they need a new system to tell you that it's empty. last thing i need is to go crazy right before surgery, which they told me i would go into at 7:30. it was about 4 or 5 at this time. how to pass the hours while in pain? i tried to sleep, but i couldnt. i was turning in pain.
Here is where i first met morphine. The miricle drug. They hooked a bag of morphine to the iv, and soon my pain was gone and i was asleep. I woke up and was moved to the pre-op wing. i felt like i didnt need surgery. the pain was gone. i felt wonderful. completly relaxed. Some lady came over, gave me a prayer, although i wasnt worried. my father turned on the tv, although i would rather look at the lighting fixtures and the ceiling. This was probly due to the morphine. A Heavily obese family walked passed.
Heavily Obese.
Heavily. Just an observation.
Now, my apendix was basically a ticking time bomb. if it went off, i would have a long recovery process. So of course, they started surgery 45 mins late. The anisteshiologists came and started talking to my dad about "Heroes" on NBC and putting me to sleep. The last thing i remember, very very vagely, is being wheeled into the operating room and seeing 2 large discs of light.
CHAPTER 6:--- A Day in Bed
The next thing i remember is waking up naked with a sore throat. I had a sore throat because, during surgery, there was a breathing tube down my throat... at least thats what they told me. What i didnt really find out untill after surgery, is how much they violate you during surgery. For some reason, they cant just operate on the affected area. They feel the need to strip you and do things to you, that you would not normally want done. But more on that later.
I dont remember how i got into the hospital room, but i got there. It was room 10 south, 10th floor i believe. When i looked at my incisions, i saw my belly button was closed shut, as well as two small cuts on the left side. Which is intresting, since the apendix is on the right side. These incisions were glued shut. Glued. Now, if u have ever used glue, you know that it can hold only one thing together, Paper. Once you step up to construction paper, the glue doesnt hold. This is what was keeping my body together. I didnt trust glue.
Now, you never quite realize how little is on tv untill all you can do is watch tv. All you want to do is... anything but watch tv. I think i ended up watching family matters and cartoons. Then i saw that commercial for Bob's Furniture where the temprapedic matress is on trial for costing too much and bob is prosecuting it. I thought, wtf? Here's my version of that commercial.
Bob- "Why do you insist on costing more than my Bob'o'Pedic?"
Matress- "What?! Why the hell am i on trial? Im a fucking Matress!"
Eventually, the nurse came and got me up and walking. Now, when i tried to get up, it felt like my belly button was ripping open. When i tried to walk, it felt like my belly button was ripping open. When i lay back down, it felt like my belly button was ripping open. By the way, when i say walk, i mean inch along.
I had calls all day and a visit from my brother, but it was just a long day in bed. They got me up now and then to go to the bathroom. They wanted me to pee in a jug. I couldnt really go. Just didnt have to. They said it was probly because during surgery, they did a catheter. I said ok, not knowing what the catheter was.
CHAPTER 7:--- A Night with Fat Nurse
My parents asked if it would be ok if i stayed the night by myself, and i said sure. The nurse of the night: Fat Nurse. I dont remember Fat Nurse's real name. I remember sharon and jen, but those nurses were nice. Fat Nurse was a bitch.
I was watching a history channel show on some WWII naval battle when Fat Nurse came in, to change my iv or something. I was gonna ask her if she wanted to bet on the outcome of the battle of midway, but Fat Nurse was not the kind of person to bet on fun things, like things that have already happened. (i once won 5 bucks betting on the American hockey team in the movie "Miracle") Then Fat Nurse got me up to go to the bathroom. I couldnt go. A few hours later she got me up again, threatining a catheter if i failed. I did go this time. It stung like hell. It felt like peeing fire. I couldnt get all the way through my wiz before i had to abort. I brought my jug of pee out to Fat Nurse (Fuckin perverts) and told her that it hurt to pee. She said, "oh, thats because of the catheter." i responded, "what is a catheter, ive been hearing a bit about it." Fat Nurse explained, "it's when they stick a little tube up your................................... to make sure they dont rupture your bladder." WHAT THE FUCK! i thought. "oh......" i managed to say. Seriously, cant they just cut you open and rip it out? Do they have to violate you in every possible way?
Anyway, the night wore on and i was watching the sienfeld at 11 when my iv emptied and began to beep. I didnt think much of it, even after about 10 minitues or so. I had been hooked up all day, and so it had been beeping everytime it emptied. I decided i should get some sleep. I turned off the tv and tried to sleep, but i knew i wouldnt really be able to untill the iv shut up. Time continued on. Beep Beep. Beep Beep. Beep Beep. All right, thats enough of that. i thought. It was about 11:30. So i pushed the nurse call button. The waited, and waited some more. After about 15 more minutes, Fat Nurse finally arrived. See switched the iv and stopped the beeping. Then she asked, "every thing all right?" i said, "Ya." "then why'd u push the nurse call button?" she questioned. I thought back and remembered something my parents had told me before they left, "If u are having trouble getting to sleep, just push the nurse call button." So i cautiously responded, "well i was trying to sleep, and the iv was beeping..."
Fat Nurse snapped, "well you dont push the nurse call button just because something is annoying you." Now, the thing was beeping for at least 45 mins. I just had surgery and was trying to get some sleep. They did things to me while i was out that i will try to supress until i forget. The nurse took so long to get to my room that if there really was something wrong, i would have been messed up. What the fuck is wrong with this place? Guys, if u need to die, do it in the comfort of your home.
CHAPTER 8:--- 0≠O
In the morning, Fat Nurse was replaced with a kind nurse, Jen. She said she had some pain meds for me to take, but i should take them on a full stomach. So she gave me the phone and told me to call down and order breakfast. The number was like 555-FOOD or something like that. Now to order food, you need to know ur room number, cept as a bedridden patient, hooked up to an iv, who can't remember how he got where he is, its a bit tough to look outside the door and find out what room ur in. I mean, i just asked the nurse what room i was in, no big deal... but there should probly be a better system. I called the number, no answer, so i left a message, asking for some pancakes to be delivered to my room.
Time draged along, i spent it watching family matters on abc family. Oh that Urkel... Anyway, about an hour later i saw the food cart go right by my room window. I was like wtf? Another hour later, a knock came at the door. I thought finally! But no, it was somebody comming in to take away the dirty linens in the corner. Eventually the nurse came in and told me to order again. I dialed the number again and got the computerized voice telling me to leave a message again. I didnt leave one, but instead checked whether the number i dialed was the right one. ya, 555-FOOD, 555-366...wait a minute, i wasnt dialing 555-3663, i was dialing 555-3003. So some random person got a request for pancakes. oops.
In my defense, not only does 0 look a lot like O, but on the button was an abbreviation for "operator", in the same vertical fasion that all the letters on the phone were arranged, like this:
O
P
E
R
And P comes after O in the alphabet so, its really not that stupid... oh who the hell am i kidding? i was at children's hospital! Hundreds of small kids outsmarted me everyday by realizing that 0≠O.
When i got the number right, i called, and got an answer-
"hello?" the woman on the other end answered, "Ya id like to place an order for breakfast. Could i please have pancakes and..." she cut me off, "Could i please have your room number?" in a smart ass way. She might as well have known about my number troubles and be jeering me. Since its tough to express tone of voice in writing, ill translate what the way she said it meant:
"Slow down you dumass. Where the fuck are ya?" This is a CHILDRENS hospital. Why do they put people who can make you cry by just changing a single word of your sentance on phone duties. As if it needs to be said, what the fuck is wrong with this place?
Finally, like 3 hours after i "ordered" it, about 10 mins after i acctually ordered it, breakfast came, and it was sweet. The nurse came in and said, "oh, it finally came huh? what was the problem?" Now, how would u answer this question? The one appropriate answer is to just say, "im an idiot" and hang ur head in shame. But I tried to tell her what happened. "I...sorta dialed the wrong number...." She pretended not to hear, but i know she was just being nice.
CHAPTER 9:--- home again home again jigity jig?....not so much.
My parents arrived around noon time. My dad said, "hey mark, there is a HUGE fish tank downstairs in the lobby. Its quite something." That is what he said. This is what he could have said with the same effect, "Hey mark, wanna go see the awesome aquarium? Huh? y-ya just wanna, you know, get up? huh? huh, just get up out of bed, take out the iv, maybe go for a fast- paced stroll? Hmm? wh-what? whats that u say? oh? u cant walk very well? You have trouble getting up? Stuck in the room hooked up to the iv? oh well, im gona go ride the roller coaster and play contact sports. Have fun watching whatevers on tv at noon."
Well, they told me i could go home, just as soon as the nurse checked some things with some people. Of course this process took a few hours.Then it was up and into the bathroom to put on my clothes. While in the bathroom, struggling to put on a pair of jeans, i realized how stupid the design for pants is. Its impossible to get the dam things on if you cant bend over, or stand on one leg. Why do we bother? it would be so much easier, and more comfortable if we all wore bathrobes or something. You know, i think the greeks, romans, japanese, africans, scottish and cavemen got it right. If you start to wear a kilt, man-skirt, bathrobe, kimono, toga or animal hide, you are my hero. Im calling on you the readers to help me start this new, or old, style. Where do pants, shirts and such come from? England. Fuck England! Seriously this country went to war against those bastards twice! Why do we feel the need to protect their traditions?
I got dressed, and slowly inched to the elevator. Went down to the lobby, saw the fish tank. It wasnt that impressive. The doors to the outside were revolving doors. Automatic revolving doors. They appeared to be revolving faster than i could walk. They really didnt take people like me into consideration when they biult this place did they? Which is weird because this place is supposed to take care of people like me. So, one last time, what the fuck is wrong with this place?
CHAPTER 10:--- Epolouge--- Not even a cool scar
In the days after, i healed fast. I was walkin' around quite well just a few days later. In the first few days, however, there wasnt much moving out of me. I started using a baseball bat as a cane. Which means i was the 2nd most heavily armed cripple, right after the chick with a machine gun as a peg-leg. But i didnt even get a cool scar, instead, i got 2 tiny scrapes and an open belly button.
There was also concerned letters and calls from relatives. In the case of the calls, my mother would answer the phone, and i would hear her say this: "Thak god that i figured out mark had appendicitus! He was complaining about right side pain, and i said 'that's Appendicitus! T
o the Hospital ASAP!'" Now, i dont think my mom is lying to everybody, but this just isnt true. i pretty much diagnosed myself, told my mom, told her again, and then said, take me to the hospital for the love of God! No, my parents are just losing their memories. Its a bit of credit where its not due. Also, my mom kept wanting me to take pain meds when i wasnt in pain. Apparently she wants me to be a junky. But i do owe my parents (mostly for the birth of my brother, Joe) quite a bit, and in no way think they are bad or neglectful parents. They are loving people and they have helped me become a good person. (Thats right. Im a fuckin' great person. Modesty is just one of my many awesome qualities)
I think i should finish up with a little PSA, (thats public service announcement)
If you wake up one day, with gas that doesnt go away, and you start feeling pain on the right later, but not really so muh on the left, and it gets worse, and you tell your parents, and they tell you to go back to bed.....you should head out to the ER. Just be prepared for an abundance of scars, mostly emotional.
