Communication

We ain't got it

My mother does not understand body language (you know, nodding the head "yes", shaking it "no" or violently thrashing it "METAL"). This issue is made worse by the fact that neither of my parents can hear anything whose volume is below that of a jet taking off from a rock concert in war-torn Baghdad during a thunderstorm at a distance further than, say 5 feet. As you may assume, communication can be difficult.

Here is an everyday situation:

STEP 1. Mom yells "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK"
STEP 2. I respond "What?"
STEP 3. silence
STEP 4. Mom yells "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK" once again, having not heard my response.
STEP 5. I yell "WHAT?"
STEP 6. My Mom asks if I want like, a piece of pie or something.
STEP 7. I, exhasted from steps 1-5, shake my head to indicate, "no mummy, but thank you for the ever-so-gracious offer"
STEP 8. repeat step 3
STEP 9. not having understood my head gesture, my mother repeats step 1.
STEP 10. By this point I understand that she did not understand the head gesture, and that I will have to make words happen (*groan*). So I respond , "No thanks" in my ruggedly deep and good looking voice.
STEP 11. My mother, not having heard step 10, yells "WHAT?"
STEP 12. I draw a picture and write a sentence about how i don't want pie. I soon remember the poor vision that my parents also suffer from, and give up entirely.

Believe it or not, my father is worse than my mother. Enjoy me now folks, because based on my folks, I will not age well.