The Important Series

Preface:

The Important Series, co-written by 3 others as well as myself, was a series of 6 emails chronicling the dialogue between a dysfictional married couple, each with the subject set to "Important" to ensure that people read them (though people figured out quickly to delete emails with subjects such as, "Important part 2" and "Important part 5"). The series dates back a few years, and was sent out to my entire high school. About 3 people appreciated our efforts. So, in its entirety, I present to you the epic, 6 part Important series. Enjoy:

Subject: "Important"

"What's wrong Victoria?"
"It's nothing, it's just that the flame is out."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME?"
"No, I just loved the idea of you"
"What about Garry, do you love Garry?"
*slilent pause*
"Maybe......"
"Why, what does he have that I don't?"
"He's a real man, Anthony, with qualities that you can only imagine"
TO BE CONTINUED........

written by; Walter, Griffin, and Mark

Subject: "Important part 2"

"He was a real man"
"What do you mean.. oh you didn't?! DID YOU"
"I did with the help of my friend, bazooka joe"
"How could you?"
"How could you? What about our passion? What about me saving your life from the monster?"
"I'm starting to think you are the real monster, Anthony!"
"How dare you?"
"Anthony............................................................................................................................................................................................................. I'm............................................................................pregnant."
To be continued...

written by; Walter, Griffin, and Mark

Subject: "Important part 3"

"how do i know you’re not faking"
"why would i lie, Anthony?"
"to keep me around"
"what? how dare you?! after all i've done for this family?"
"can you even call us a family"
"i dunno, you've been spending an awful lot of time with veronica's
family!"
"well they know how to love"
"maybe i could love if you werent so heartless. heck, you cheated
before we were married and you invited her to the wedding!"
"heartless? ME I'm the only one who supported your 'acting career'"
"please, i heard you on the phone with vinny"
"............................so?"
" 'she couldnt act her way outa a paper bag, but it gets her lazy
self outa the house' those are your words"
"i know i said i supported you, I never said you were good at acting,
and a paper bag has more charisma than you will ever have as an actress"
"at least a paper bag brings home dinner, unlike you"
"maybe you should learn to support yourself and stop leeching off a
mans hard earned money"
"Hard earned?(Italics) I know exactly how Hard earned that money is"
"i bust my neck in the coal mines"
"You 2-bit hoodlum...I called the foreman...you havent checked in to
work for 9 months"
"I offer you protection"
"the only thing I need protection from is you"
"Well, You caught me, I left the coal mines"
"Why would you ever do that, Anthony?!"
"because I WANNA DANCE!"
To be continued...

written by; Walter, Griffin, and Mark

Subject: "Important part 4"

"YOU WANT TO DANCE, ANTHONY?"
"yes babe it is my passion"
"No, no that just doesn't make any sense. You're Lying."
"I'm Lying? How bout all your lies about Gary?"
"...................................."
"you arr speechless i thought so you tramp"(pirate joke)
"Gary....I only felt i could do that to you because...because i found out about Maria!"
"that is my dance teacher and you know you could confront me but no you ask Gary to help :'fix your back' i knew i shouldnt have been so naive"
"Maria is your...dance teacher? no. no. that can't be. That can't BE!"
"please you know she is out of my league the only reason she touches me is to help my body shake"
"no....NO...You're Lying! You have to be!"
"i have been married to you 15 years and i cant have my gosh darn wife trust me
what do i goyta do honey. you know you mean the world"
"I'm such a fool! How could i...
oh, no
Maria...
oh, no
I've made a terrible mistake"
Freeze Frame Victoria steps out and ponders to her self

"Honey, yes you were wrong about us. But we can get past this...we have a daughter to think about after all"
"shoot i forgot about sarah"
god knows she already is messed up as it is
"Who the heck said that?"
Oh Sorry, didn't you could hear me hehe
"who are you?"
Im justa big fan of the important series but anyways please continue I 'm dying to know what happens
" Oh, ok will do, its always great to hear from fans but back to the story"

"No anthony, my mistake...so much worse...I...I came home after work last weekend, and I found Sarah crying on the floor. You were supposed to be home, but you were out of course, with Maria...anyway, sarah had tried to make herself dinner, because you were out, but she's just a kid...she didnt know what she was doing. She had burned her little fingers and slipped on the floor. You should have been home to take care of her Anthony, and i knew...I thought... I had to take your....well, i know now that she isn't your mistress, but i thought she was...and she was destroying our family. I was just so angry Anthony, and i, well, i arranged for Maria to meet her end..."
"WHAT??!!!
she is my ticket to fame"
"how could you be so selfish. An innocent person is about to die and all you can worry about is 'dancing' I have seen Walter dance better than you"
"What are we gonna do?........................................................................................."

Will this be Maria's last dance? Find out in part 5.....

Subject: "Important part 5"

2:45 AM, Before the events of Part 4

We join our story in a shady alleyway. Victoria has just taken out a hit on Anthony's Dance Teacher Maria, thinking her to be Anthony's love affair.

"...you're Hit has been confirmed, we'll take care of everything...you should probably hide out for a while, get an alibi..."
"...Make it nice and bloody, and make sure Anthony finds her!"
"...I likes the way you thinks lady."
"...What you say we go out back and smooch?"

*they embrace* (via telephone)

"Sorry lady, just business..."
"Oh well, just get it done." *click*(thats the sounds of her hanging up)


"Hey Maria, you won't believe this."
"What is it Rosco? I have a lot of people to kill because i am most certainly a hit WOman."
"Ha Ha, like hitman but hit WOAHman...funny. Anyway i got another hit for ya..."
"Enough giggles lets get down to business. Slash killing people because thats what I do in addition to being a private dance instructor for married men with suspicious wives."

"Well than it turns out someone wants this lady named Maria dead... Shes a dance teacher and she is suspicious of her and her husband..."
"WHATTTTT?! I'll get her!"

WHAT A TWIST! Is this "last call" for victoria? Is Maria really a hitman/WOAHman?

Written by Griffin, Gus and Mark and Walter too.

Subject: "Important part 6"

disclaimer: This intallment is not for faint of heart. It will make you question all your beliefs and the validity of your existence on this planet. Don't say we did not warn you!!!

Now the Conclusion:

*BANG!*
"Oh my GOD!"

fin



Written by Griffin, Mark, Walter, Gus and especially Jauques.
Dedicated to Bielinsky

Know when to fold em...

You know your life sucks when you dream about doing laundry.


And you know you're life deserves to suck when your first instinct is to blog about it on the internet.

You Win Some, You Fail Some.

It's common knowledge that you can't win 'em all. What isn't common knowledge is that you can't totally lose them all either. Just look at Steve Buscemi (or don't actually look at him, but remember the gist of what he looks like), the guy still manages to be a moderately famous b-actor and he looks like one of those bulgy-eye dolls that you squeeze when you get stressed out got left on an oven.

Pictured: Steve Buschemi. Source: http://www.behindthehype.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/steve_buscemi.jpg

Any way, my point is, even I don't loose all the time. I mean, I haven't won lately....In fact, let me first run down my latest fails (in addition to the recent one in the post directly below this one.)

I work at a pool. In the last month, I've
1. Forgot I had work
2. Forgot to punch out at work
3. Accidentally kicked a radio into the pool...and killed it.

And just today, I called the Apple Computers service line, because my computer was being dumb. Anyway, the automated voice told me I was on hold because all the specialists were busy, then a bit later the voice came on again and said that again. And here's the kicker: no waiting music. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........


I had to improvise.

So I'm in the middle of a lively version of "Zombie" when I start wondering, "What if the technician comes on the line while I'm still–"
"Hi this is Mike, how can I help you?"
"...uh...hey Mike...."
And the conversation went on from there...

But again, you can't always lose...

Here's a win/my best pun ever:

So a year ago or so, me and some friends got to talking about ear sex. I don't know how we got talking about ear sex, but somehow we got talking about ear sex. So I said, "Personally, I find ear sex quite Aud."

Of coure being said out loud, nobody really understood that I was saying "aud" instead of "odd"...

which I guess means that I didn't win after all....but rather failed quite miserably.... soooooooooooo.....

I guess you can lose them all. If you're me.

A Typical Exerpt from My Life

Today I saw one of my fathers coworkers on my way out of a Dining Hall. We struck up a friendly chat, which was made slightly difficult by his limited comprehension of the english language. You see, he's not quite from America, but rather from a far off land known as "Europe." Us Americans typically refer to this land as "Caucasian Surrender Ville." At any rate, he has trouble understanding some of what I'm saying, so fortunately I speak a bit of french. I start adding some french words that I know into the conversation to facilitate his understanding, not many, just a few words here and there. Anyway, later on I realize that he's Italian...

...

If I had a penny for every time I did something this stupid....

Byrne Under a Bad Sign: SEASON 2 preview

BUBS (how did I never notice this? BUBS is a great abv.!) will soon return for the EPIC second season, MORE THAN A YEAR IN THE MAKING (If me being lazy counts as working, which I count as working cause its generally how I work) with MORE NEW stories (if my ramblings count as stories) MORE VISUALS (made in microsoft word) MORE PARENTHASEES (my favorite thing (EVER) plus expect creative uses :-) NEW VOCABULARY (expectizzle ebonizzleics) And FICTION? (maybe. maybe poetry too? Maybe I'll also trade in my balls for a hair straightener)

Future titles will include:
-Epic Fail: The Biography of Mark Byrne (as dictated by my parents)
-Adventures With Homelessness and Alchohol, Vol. 1 Pt. 1
-Shit...has It really been a year since my last post? (9/16/10)

So we've come full circle. And circle gets the square.

Priorities, Part 2

I had to write an english paper on Pride and Prejudice. For those of you unfamiliar with the novel, consider yourself lucky. It is about some lady in 18 century spain or something who does something or other that there is absolutely no way a modern highschool male could relate to or care about. It is also written in the following style:

"The Bear, which was brown, the color of autunm in Derbyshire, considered by most the most prepentuous province in all of the southerly extremities of New South Devonshire, as it is the sole producer of intricate marmalade substitutes, those which the Prince of Pious Pine Grove often decorated his formalities with (being the bearer of false witness against his most recent recontrer, the imbominable Mr. Hollinsham, who was the son of Archduke Hollingsham (not to be confused with cardinal Hollygnsham, who, though unrefutably ingnanimous, could recite twelve score psalms from the book of Coherence without a single moments resolve)), ate the honey."


Seriously, its the same people who criticize my runon sentences who make me read this nonsense. The author gets on a (opposite/adjacent) mid sentance, and by the time they finish their thought, you forgot what it was in the first place.

N E How, i seem to have gotten off on a (sin/cos) myself, so let me tell ewe what eye wanted 2 tell u.

Well, i had to write a paper for this class anyhow, and I was saying something about how something something something. It bores me to think about it. any way, the sentance was talking about how lose ends were being tied up, and how without a section, the lose ends wouldn't be tied up. Well, heres what i wrote:

"Without this section, the audience would be deprived of his side of the story, and the loose ends would Knot be tied up."

Priorities:
1. Puns
2. everything else.

My teacher did Knot pick up on my pun and took off points, marking it as a spelling error. Meh.

Olymp-X

So its that time of quad-year again. No, not elections that decide the future of the planet (fuck those!). No not censuses (though those are quite exiting). That's right Olympic season! Lets all get pumped shall we? Ya we'll get pumped! How could we not without all the hype? But then the olympics come, and they're pretty frickin' weaksauce. Let me defend that argument....

Michael Phelps. Shattering world records. Winning gold medal after gold medal. But, seriously, is it just me or was every race he was in equally...well, equal. I'd like to be in the Olympic planning commission meeting while they're deciding the swimming events. I imagine it goes a little something like this:

"Ok, great. We've got our first event:'Swimmers race to other end and back'. Um, what should the next event be?.....Any ideas?"

*SILENCE*

"......uh, how bout they race to the other side and back, then do it again?"

"BRILLIANT!!!"

The running events are pretty much the same in this regard. And we wait 4 years for this. Now let me take a short break to lay out the history of the Olympic Games. The Olympics were first held in Greece (eww) thousands of years ago, or something. Some historians say they happened in Athens. The ones who aren't total retards say they happened in Olympia. Since these times, the world has seen some truly awesome advancements: Electric Guitars, Space Travel, Advanced Whale Hunting Techniques, Waffles, Chocolate Lucky Charms, and of course, The United States of America. So why then are we still playing games that even Jesus would say were old school?


Why indeed. But, I can solve this. Pay attention, cause I'm about to introduce the

OLYMP-X-TREMES

The Chopping Block

1. "Olympics are held every 4 years"
wow thats lame. In my Olymp-X, the games will only be held in years in which a major world leader is assassinated.

2. "Backstories of athletes and Sportsmanship"
Honestly, these athletes aren't all that interesting. They wake up, eat, practice, eat, then sleep. Weak. What we need to do is hire the writers from professional wrestling to craft storylines for the athletes. The Russian swimmer who escaped his submarine that was sunk by an American boat with the American contender on board. Vengeance. And how did that German runner get that gash across his eye? We'll find out as the Olymp-X runs its course. And of course, plot twists will be a plenty. Who's on what side? Only the writers know.

3. "National Flags, National Anthems"
I think that all the other countries in the world should vote on designs for the flags of the other nations. I think this would result in more accurate (and humorous) flags. America would end up with a little piggy, England would end up with a picture of those novelty red-neck teeth, China would end up with the movie poster from the movie "Liar Liar", France...well, I'm pretty confident that Frances flag would either be all white, or smell really bad. Oh, and all national anthems would be at least 20 mins long with raps (preferably freestyled by John Cena) and Bass solo's.

4. "Opening Ceremonies"
So we have every competitor packed into a single arena, and no event takes place...wtf? Why do we waste the opportunity for the most epic event of the Olympics? Well, I propose we turn this ceremony into one, huge, free for all game of "kill the carrier" where the champion is the one who manages to get the torch to the place where they light the big one. Rule #1: There Are No Rules! Rule #2: no shin-kicks.

5. "Games where the objective is to throw something the furthest, jump the highest, etc."
Javelins, in case you are unaware, are totally badass weapons. The reason you may be unaware of this is because the Olympics have reduced javelin throwing to a bar bet standard. I can just imagine how this event was born:

"No, I bet I could throw a javelin further than you!"
and so, two drunks created an event that is highly unentertaining out of an object that should be highly entertaining.

How to fix: Angry Rhinoceroses. I’m pretty sure that speaks for itself.

6. “Races”
Seriously? Did they forget the spectator part of the Olympics?
“WOAH! Did you see that! They all swam/ran to the other end of the pool/track without any problem! INTENSE!”
No. Weaksause.

How to Fix….no, how to fixtreme:
Well, in terms of swimming, have we or have we not invented wave pools? I believe that the answer is: Yes, yes we have indeed. Well, why not a bit of an obstacle course? Start by jumping off that big diving board, flat water, then waves, then Vortex (no, Vortextreme), then under the fire water, then the Dolphin tank (think, Day of the Dolphin, not flipper), then THE AGGRO CRAG.
Running races, well, they need to take a page out of the book of the most exciting and entertaining racing league ever’s book. Mario Kart can save Racing. We need fruity little courses. We need obstacles (though im not sure where exactly to find Goomba’s, let alone ones willing to be obstacles in a high speed race), we need mushrooms that’ll make the runners move faster (though I suppose we already have those), we need heat seeking tortoise shells (tax dollars well spent). We also need THE AGGRO CRAG!

(this is how all races should end. Period.)

I have to commend the Olympic commission (or shall I say Commie Mission based on how they give undeserving Chinese and North Korean gymnasts medals. Zing!) for at least trying to add obstacles to spice up races. I mean, that’s pretty much what hurdles are, right? But c’mon! Hurdles? Oh no! The poor athlete knocked down a piece of plywood! So much pressure! Nah. That’s lame. I’ve got a better idea. Do we have any of those Rhinos left over from the javelin event?

7. “Wrestling”
I turned on the TV and assumed it was on some sort of softcore gay porn channel, then I realized that, in fact, I was watching Olympic wrestling. Here’s a little fun fact: wrestlers in the ancient Greek Olympics competed in the nude.
How to Fixtreme:
Well, when I was watching, It was Russia vs. Kazakhstan. I just kept waiting for the characters to be stereotypical, for a steel chair to be thrown in the ring, for interference from another renegade wrestler, for the commentators to elaborate on the fued between the two, and for a loud “USA” chant, spiked with ignorance, to grip the arena. None of this happened, and after a while the match just sorta ended. All these things need to happen, and in a big Olympi-X sorta way.

8. “Gymnastics”
I’ve got to say, I am very impressed with what these girls can do. I do have one small suggestion however. I think it would be extremely entertaining if the Olympic weight lifters did the gymnastic thing for a night, outfits and all.

9. “America wins EVERYTHING”
I actually have no problem with this one.


Well, I think we can all agree that these games would be far more Xtreme. And far better. Ne-X-t time the Olymp-Xs roll around, I’ll be X-pecting something X-treme.

Q and............A

Ok, I know its been a while. But this is absolutely ridiculous. The following story occurred about a minute ago, and I honestly don't even think you'll believe it.

So, today my parents went to some exhibit at a museum. I asked my mom, who was in the living room reading a magazine, "How was it?" Then I waited for a response.
*SILENCE*
So, without getting a response, I climbed the stairs to my room mumbling about how my parents can't hear anything. But then I realized I'd forgotten something downstairs and returned down, and upon arriving there, I heard my mother say, from the other room, "It was good."
...
"Seriously!?" I stammered, with a look on my face that probably was last seen there when 'Fat Nurse' explained to me what a catheter was, and that I had indeed had one. "Mom, I asked that question a minute ago!"
Anyhow, my father would describe this whole situation as being "Wacko with a capital 'W'"

There is no "i" in "Good Dream"

I had a plan for a blog while in Philadelphia this weekend (or as I like to call it, Chilladelphia). That plan was overridden by my wacked-out dream that I had while sleeping on my brother & sister's couch in Phily (Note: use "&" more often. MUCH easier).

I don't remember exactly how this dream started, I do remember sliding down waterslides with hip-hop artists, but that does not connect in any way to the next set of events (and frankly this may just be a memory. I consort with hip hoppers quite often. Snoop Dawg is a close acquaintance of mine. Do you know that he has tried smoking reefer before? Goodness!). Well anyhow, I initially found myself in a mind game with Soviets. Thats right, the USSR was back on the bloc, and the KBG seemed to hunting me through the city, in their "follow you and look suspicious" sort of way.

I, naturally, lost this mind game and in a series of events that I am not entirely clear on, ended up on a commie train headed to a prison camp (somewhere in America, probably in one of the RED states!! LoLz!). Heres where things get really freaky. All the passengers on the train were emaciated and wearing blue and white stripped prison suits. They basically looked like concentration camp prisoners. They didn't speak for the duration of the trip.

We soon arrived at the camp, and I got up and into the aisle. Before exiting out the door of the train, I put my hand on the shoulder of one of the prisoners and said, "Good luck comrade." I have no freakin' idea what I was thinking. Why on earth would I call a man so severely oppressed by commies "Comrade"? Perhaps this is because I was thinking one day and decided that it would be funny to start calling strangers "comrade" as opposed to my usual "man" or "dude". That would be funny, and I think I will start doing it, but I feel like doing it to an emaciated prison camper oppressed by the reds is a poor place to start.

At any rate, I simply bolted out the door and ran like 20 feet to the right and I had escaped the prison camp. Ya....that was really all I had to do. Nobody cared. All the guards just kinda blankly stared at me while I did it. There wasn't even really any fencing, and the camp was really just a house with a shed. I assume that my subconscious associates sheds with pure evil, as the house next door had no shed and was therefore not part of the prison camp.
I went in this house, and who was in there but my family!

My sister was mad freaked out about the concentration camp next door. I asked if anybody had called the police. Apparently nobody had. All of a sudden it was night time. I guess my mind cannot grasp the concept of dawn & dusk, so there just aren't transitions in my dreams. Anyhow I took out my cell phone & attempted to dial "911". You have no idea how difficult this was. Apparently I'm as much of a skrew-up in my dreams as I am in real life, because I just could not get the number right. I dialed 781, I have no idea why, then 721, 291, 991, 291991 (i forgot to delete the "291" before starting the next attempt), and many other ridiculously stoopid combinations. This was all in real time mind you. I actually dialed out all those numbers and tried to call them, then had to delete and start over. This has a parallel in real life. I am incabable of spelling the word "Tomorrow" without much trial and error, and error...and failure and shame. In fact, I kid you not, just now as i wrote that word in the previous sentence, I messed up about 7 times until the red squigly line beneath it went away. I'm dead serious, as I was typing this, I didn't even mean to but I went through this classic process:
1. tomarro X
2. tommarro X added an "m"
3. tommaro X subtracted "r"
4. tommoro X "o" for "a"
5. tomorro X -"m" +"r"
6. tomarro X tried the first one again. No dice.
7. tomaro X just...no
8. tomoro X its called desperation at this point
9. tommarow X realized the possibility of a "W" in the word.
10. tomarrow X closer...
11. tomorrow YEEEEEAH! SUCK ON THAT BIIIOTCH!

I honestly wish I was kidding, but I legitimately go through some mutation of this formula every time I attempt to spell that word. But c'mon. 911? Seriously? It's spelled the way you say it! Ugh.

So I finally got the number right, and called it. I was met with an answering machine....

...

an answering machine...dialing 911 for my emergency I was met with an answering machine....I considered leaving a message, but then thought, no that's absolutely ridiculous. I decided to call again and try to get through. I had apparently forgotten how difficult this was for me. I went through the whole "try to dial 911 and fail miserably" routine again, and got through this time. This is how that conversation went:
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"Oh thank God! yes there is a concentration camp next door! Please send help!"
"......is this a joke?"
"...no please! Its being run by the soviets! They're going to kill us all!"
And then she hung up on me. Apparently, even the people that I make up think my dreams are absolutely ridiculous.

I tried this over and over again. The majority of this dream was spent attempting to dial 911, failing, attempting, failing, attempting, failing, succeeding, then meeting with disbelieving dispatchers, at different levels of shocked silence or anger or amusement. The only time I hung up on a dispatcher, rather that the usual them hanging up on me, was when I was met by a very furious, very sassy voice on the other line. One sweet sounding lady on the other line was ready to send the squads to my location, she just wanted to know where I was. As I was unable to answer, I lost my one opportunity. Eventually my family wondered if I would like them to try. I said YES and that was the end of that chapter.

Now something odd happened that had nothing to do with anything. Two really wide-eyed freaky peopleish things appeared at the window by the door and were staring at me and it was pretty unsettling. They kind of hovered over to the door and came in, but I guess my mind didn't know where to go with this, because soon the police came in and nobody paid any attention to the random creatures and we kinda got some closure.

So the cops come, and its randomly day again, and they take us outside and say to us, "Oh no no no, this is no concentration camp! It's merely a friendly little cult full of old jewish men who starve themselves in order to be pious." And all the "prisoners" were out there with their big unblinking eyes just nodding their heads "yes". But I was like, wtf?! "What about the Soviets!? Those guys are commie KGB officers!" I saw shocked expressions on the Russian's faces. One began crying onto the shoulder of another as the other consoled him by patting his back. The police said, "They're just Russians. What!? All Russians are Communists to you!? You just ASSUMED that these men were Reds just because they were Russian!?" I was like...wtf? And suddenly all the fear of this nightmare was gone. My family joined it with the "Mark, you ignorant, insensitive little bastard" and whatnot. I was still just like...wtf?

Anyhow, everything had wound down. The last thing I remember was my father saying to one of the old guys: "Mr. Hammond, I have decided NOT to endorse your park."

I soon awoke, and was really freaked out because it was sort of light outside the front window, to light to be night, to dim to be day. I thought maybe somebody was trying to break in, so I looked out the window only to realize that it was dawn. You know, that time where its too dark to be day but too light to be night. I guess I just really have no concept of such things. And yes, I know how stoopid i am.

Lets Talk Politiks

I was hoping we wouldn't have to....

But we do. Why? Because I found something while cruising through the forest of Bumper Stickers on facebook. If you don't know what Bumper Stickers are, its basically a little thing where you cruise through thousands of pictures of disgusting things that shouldn't be naked together, really bitchy phrases intended to be used maliciously, sexist and racist pictures and remarks, looking to find a picture of adorable small animals with hilariously cute phrases written underneath them, to send to your friends. Well among these piles of terrible things I came across this gem:
Wowza! Take another look at that. The what party? I believe you are missing two letters. "I" and "C". Thats ok, I am missing the same two letters. I'll just call you an _gnorant h__

Where to start with this one!? Ok, first of all, could you maybe come up with something a bit more clever than that? Its hardly even an observation. What does flying have to do with anything? You honestly could have taken any combination of things that come from someplace and had an equally witty insult. Swim and pool for instance. Heres my attempt "If ignorant morons could vote for candidates based on anything but whether or not they seem patriotic and how much they manage to scare you, the United States of America would be a legitimate Democracy!" ROFL! I Know! That one is HILARIOUS! LoLeRskaTez!

Alright. So you call it the "Democrat" party, which I realize may have been a really stoopid attempt at insulting the Democratic party. Honestly, if your calling them names, I suggest the infinitely more insulting "Demo-twats".
Anyhow, you move on to make it seem as though you actually believe the political party is a physical location, stating that it would be an Airport, rather than perhaps a idealistic grouping, such as an airline company. You also assume that anything that flies belongs in an airport. Huh. Interesting logic. I was on a bike ride the other day, and I came across a sign "Bicyles Only". Well, by your logic, if it has wheels its a bicycle, so yes, driving your humvee on the bike path is quite acceptable. Quite acceptable indeed.

Anyhow, I suppose the Democrats could come back by calling the Republican Party the Republic Party, but that just sounds like something from Star Wars, and, as anybody who lived through the eighties will tell you, Republicans love being associated with that movie. (See, Ronald Regan's Crazy Defense Idea. Lazers! WOAH!)

Let me clear something up. Republicans are not dumb and ignorant...provided they are wealthy and powerful. Let me elaborate. Republican policies tend to favor the rich getting richer and maintaining power. To do so, this party hunts for votes among the poor, uninformed classes of society. I see these people as victims, and it deeply saddens me that the Republican, but also the Democratic party, dupes them into false hope and security. Candidates often present themselves as the Common Working Man, when in fact, the presidency is unattainable by all but the aristocrats. But by presenting themselves as such, they generate hope amongst the workers. But this hope is carefully channeled through blind nationalism, and a better tomorrow fades away.

This is why such a little thing such as "If all A-Holes could fly.." boils my blood so much. It attempts to unify the masses against each other rather than having them come together to achieve the common good. The poor stay poor, the dumb remain dumb. Why do poor republicans and poor democrats hate each other? Because they mustn't hate their leaders. Who else will protect them from the other party's agenda?

Anyhow, I'm getting to preachy. I geuss I'll just come out and say it. I'm not a Republican, as you have most likely gathered. Nor am I a Democrat. Think about it. What system does it sound like I favor? One where all are equal and the Proletariat all work together for the common good. Thats right. Fascism.

I am a genious

IRONY

Throughout my many years of schooling and social interactions, it has become clear that many are unclear on the concept of "irony". Irony is located in the "things elementary school teachers tried, and miserably failed, to teach us" files, right alongside "Vowels" (hold your criticisims, im talking about kindergarten), "Long division", "Respect", and, well "Vowels" once again (im sorry, but how the fuck can "Y" be a sometimes vowel? The day i allow my letters to have free will is the day I use "Larry the Cable Guy" and "Funny" in the same sentence. Remember your place "Y", you're second to last already, and last time I checked "Z" was looking for a promotion). I still remember what book we were reading when the concept of Irony came up, it was "A Girl Named Disaster", and was full of symbolism that our hyper-active minds flat out refused to comprehend. I'd say that there were quite a few girls in that class who could've easily been named "Disaster". I wonder what there up to now adays? At any rate, our teacher (God bless her patient, hard working, and, in retrospect lesbian, heart) tried to teach us what Irony was. Tried being the key word, and teach being the locked word.

At any rate, i did eventually learn what Irony was. And no, its not a large vowel molded out of a sturdy metal (think about it for a minute. No? Not gettin' it? Ok, i'll give you a hint. "iron" is the metal i was referring to. "E" is the vowel i was referring to. "Reefer" was the slang term for marijuana i was referring to. And yes, i do know my vowels now thank you very much. I also know my Consonants, except im confused as to whether Antarctica counts)(I also realize that by this point half my story has been put in paranthasees, but hey, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. And when keyboards give you parenthasees, you make paranthesee sandwiches. Oh you make them alright) but it is actually a state of affairs that is amusingly contradictory. See the title to this blog. No i will not retype it you lazy bastard, scroll up. (Interestingly enough, that last sentence was unintentionally ironic.) The title, as you hopefully noticed, includes a stupid spelling mistake that contradicts its message. If you are still unclear on "Irony" fear not, for this next bit is an even clearer example. Some might say even more stupid.


Now, every year, my school has an assembly where the gifted minds and athletes are rewarded in order to make the rest feel like worthless piles of shit right before their dull, meaningless summer vacations. Seriously, they put this thing right before vacation. After its over we're free. Perhaps thats why I felt like i could...well, read on. Anyhow, have you ever played the game where you toss a water balloon back and forth until it breaks on someone? The person it breaks on is usually the same person who pokes himself in the eye during the doctors hand eye coordination exam (warranting the first ever flat out laugh from a p.h.D., as they are generally restricted to highbrow chuckles at the misfortunes of what they affectionately refer to as "normie-tards", such as us). Anyhow, this person is me. That is to say i'm not the most athletically gifted. I'm not the asthmatic with the broken glasses on the sideline, but i'm not the one who deserves MVP either (and by MVP i am indeed referring to the movie about the monkey who plays hockey. Its a monkey, who plays hockey. For the love of God, the awards practically win themselves. And then they give it a uproariously clever title such as, "MVP: Most Valuable Primate"). That being said, it was the sports section of the awards ceremony, and i knew i wouldn't be walking up to the stage to receive any awards.

My freind on my right side was not convinced however. Lets call him Mr. E (holy shit, "mystery"="Mr. E". Totally unintentional, and also a simpsons rip-off. No, his name honestly begins with an "E"). Mr. E noticed the "Sportsmanship Award" and was convinced that i would receive it. This may have something to do with the fact that i was everybody's favorite lacrosse "punching bag", (although i prefer the term "Total Badass") and was quite sportsman-like about the whole situation (though to be honest, everybody's manners should improve when they are dealing with larger, irrational teenagers with metal poles (and good lawyers, seeing as this is lacrosse)). I, still a skeptic of the "hey you know that little dude who is pretty mediocre at stuff? well lets give that guy an award!" theory, expressed to Mr. E how utterly hilariously ironic it would be to receive such an award in a completely unsportsman-like manner. Mr. E got me to promise that i would do so should i be the recipient. I promised, still unconvinced of the "dude, we give waaay to many awards to talented people who deserve them. Lets just give one to some guy" theory.

Guess who won?

Me, thats who (or is it "whom"?)

So they give a short speech justifying me being the winner, and call me to receive my award. I leave the aisle, taunting those i have to step over, and acting as cocky as possible. I continue this attitude, sorry, badittude, all the way to the stage and to the high level people presenting me with the award. How high level? Try "Head of the WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL". Anyhow, i give this person attitude in keeping with my resolve to be unsportsmanlike. I'll try to clarify this. I shook hands, but in a "i'm better than you, therefore i'll roll my eyes and refuse to even look at you" sorta way. Then i migrate to the center of the stage with my award for the cherry on top of the ice cream (What flavor was this ice cream? Chocolate chip cookiedoughN'T EVER GIVE THIS KID AN AWARD EVER AGAIN). I raised the award over my head and taunted the audience with a classy, "IN YO FACE!". I apologize sincerely for not adding "biotches" to the end of this.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Irony.

So, why the hell would I do this? First of all, it was pretty perfect. Second, i made a promise, and i keep promises. And i don't make such wise promises. I grew an afro. "why? WHY?" you might ask. Yes, i asked myself why as well. Cuz i promised thats "Y", and that is an instance of when "Y" is a vowel. And Larry the Cable guy had a funny joke, just one.

Pun-ctuality

Punctuality: Because Timing is Everything

Today i will examine borderline pun opportunities. Is there a wrong time for an innocent little wordplay? I'll leave that for you to decide, and perhaps demonstrate where even I draw the line.

I'll start off with an instance where I perhaps crossed the line. I was coming back from a school ski trip in a school bus as you might imagine. Following the bus was a van, containing everybody's ski equipment and my chemistry teacher. Anyhow, there had been a storm the previous night, and a fresh blanket was carpeting the poorly plowed New Hampsire roads. They live free. Fuck paying taxes. even if it would mean better snow plows. More like live free and die! am i right? Anyhow, this heavy van hits a bad patch and spins out of control and off the road, into a snow bank piled against the median. Everybody's reaction: "OH MY GOD!" "WHAT HAPPENED!" "THEY JUST SPUN OUT INTO THAT SNOW BANK!" "HOLY TOLEDO!"
My reaction: "Well, i sure hope he's snow-K"

Now before you judge me note this, 1. I'm really the only one who showed any bit of concern for him....sorta 2. i was pretty sure that he was, infact, snOw-K 3. Snow-K, c'mon thats frickin' brilliant. And especially at a time like that. Is that not the perfect time for a pun? to break a moment of nervous tension? I guess thats up to you.

Now here is a circumstance that, I feel, went to far. The timing was wrong. Let me set this up for you: A breezy, yet pleasant April day. Fresh rain and melting snow have left puddles here and there and have lifted that unmistakeable scent of spring into the air. Did I mention that this is in a cemetery during a funeral?

Before I move on, let me say that I did not laugh at this. It crosses the line.

Anyway, the minister made a pun out of the deceased's name. Ya, I know, classy right? I've got too much respect to repeat it, but it was not made any better by the fact that the minister said "No pun intended" before blurting it out.


Now for something that I don't know whether it crosses the line or not.

In the same cemetery, my brother pointed out a toy hippo stuck in the mud. I thought, but restrained from saying, "talk about a hippo-crypt". Is this an ok , or should i say snOw-K, time for a pun? I honestly don't know.

Now I'll leave you with some brilliance that i didn't come up with, but i think these are amazing:

• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• if you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall