Michael Phelps. Shattering world records. Winning gold medal after gold medal. But, seriously, is it just me or was every race he was in equally...well, equal. I'd like to be in the Olympic planning commission meeting while they're deciding the swimming events. I imagine it goes a little something like this:
"Ok, great. We've got our first event:'Swimmers race to other end and back'. Um, what should the next event be?.....Any ideas?"
*SILENCE*
"......uh, how bout they race to the other side and back, then do it again?"
"BRILLIANT!!!"
The running events are pretty much the same in this regard. And we wait 4 years for this. Now let me take a short break to lay out the history of the Olympic Games. The Olympics were first held in Greece (eww) thousands of years ago, or something. Some historians say they happened in Athens. The ones who aren't total retards say they happened in Olympia. Since these times, the world has seen some truly awesome advancements: Electric Guitars, Space Travel, Advanced Whale Hunting Techniques, Waffles, Chocolate Lucky Charms, and of course, The United States of America. So why then are we still playing games that even Jesus would say were old school?
Why indeed. But, I can solve this. Pay attention, cause I'm about to introduce the
OLYMP-X-TREMES
The Chopping Block
1. "Olympics are held every 4 years"
wow thats lame. In my Olymp-X, the games will only be held in years in which a major world leader is assassinated.
2. "Backstories of athletes and Sportsmanship"
Honestly, these athletes aren't all that interesting. They wake up, eat, practice, eat, then sleep. Weak. What we need to do is hire the writers from professional wrestling to craft storylines for the athletes. The Russian swimmer who escaped his submarine that was sunk by an American boat with the American contender on board. Vengeance. And how did that German runner get that gash across his eye? We'll find out as the Olymp-X runs its course. And of course, plot twists will be a plenty. Who's on what side? Only the writers know.
3. "National Flags, National Anthems"
I think that all the other countries in the world should vote on designs for the flags of the other nations. I think this would result in more accurate (and humorous) flags. America would end up with a little piggy, England would end up with a picture of those novelty red-neck teeth, China would end up with the movie poster from the movie "Liar Liar", France...well, I'm pretty confident that Frances flag would either be all white, or smell really bad. Oh, and all national anthems would be at least 20 mins long with raps (preferably freestyled by John Cena) and Bass solo's.
4. "Opening Ceremonies"
So we have every competitor packed into a single arena, and no event takes place...wtf? Why do we waste the opportunity for the most epic event of the Olympics? Well, I propose we turn this ceremony into one, huge, free for all game of "kill the carrier" where the champion is the one who manages to get the torch to the place where they light the big one. Rule #1: There Are No Rules! Rule #2: no shin-kicks.
5. "Games where the objective is to throw something the furthest, jump the highest, etc."
Javelins, in case you are unaware, are totally badass weapons. The reason you may be unaware of this is because the Olympics have reduced javelin throwing to a bar bet standard. I can just imagine how this event was born:
"No, I bet I could throw a javelin further than you!"
and so, two drunks created an event that is highly unentertaining out of an object that should be highly entertaining.
How to fix: Angry Rhinoceroses. I’m pretty sure that speaks for itself.
6. “Races”
Seriously? Did they forget the spectator part of the Olympics?
“WOAH! Did you see that! They all swam/ran to the other end of the pool/track without any problem! INTENSE!”
No. Weaksause.
How to Fix….no, how to fixtreme:
Well, in terms of swimming, have we or have we not invented wave pools? I believe that the answer is: Yes, yes we have indeed. Well, why not a bit of an obstacle course? Start by jumping off that big diving board, flat water, then waves, then Vortex (no, Vortextreme), then under the fire water, then the Dolphin tank (think, Day of the Dolphin, not flipper), then THE AGGRO CRAG.
Running races, well, they need to take a page out of the book of the most exciting and entertaining racing league ever’s book. Mario Kart can save Racing. We need fruity little courses. We need obstacles (though im not sure where exactly to find Goomba’s, let alone ones willing to be obstacles in a high speed race), we need mushrooms that’ll make the runners move faster (though I suppose we already have those), we need heat seeking tortoise shells (tax dollars well spent). We also need THE AGGRO CRAG!
(this is how all races should end. Period.)
I have to commend the Olympic commission (or shall I say Commie Mission based on how they give undeserving Chinese and North Korean gymnasts medals. Zing!) for at least trying to add obstacles to spice up races. I mean, that’s pretty much what hurdles are, right? But c’mon! Hurdles? Oh no! The poor athlete knocked down a piece of plywood! So much pressure! Nah. That’s lame. I’ve got a better idea. Do we have any of those Rhinos left over from the javelin event?
7. “Wrestling”
I turned on the TV and assumed it was on some sort of softcore gay porn channel, then I realized that, in fact, I was watching Olympic wrestling. Here’s a little fun fact: wrestlers in the ancient Greek Olympics competed in the nude.
How to Fixtreme:
Well, when I was watching, It was Russia vs. Kazakhstan. I just kept waiting for the characters to be stereotypical, for a steel chair to be thrown in the ring, for interference from another renegade wrestler, for the commentators to elaborate on the fued between the two, and for a loud “USA” chant, spiked with ignorance, to grip the arena. None of this happened, and after a while the match just sorta ended. All these things need to happen, and in a big Olympi-X sorta way.
8. “Gymnastics”
I’ve got to say, I am very impressed with what these girls can do. I do have one small suggestion however. I think it would be extremely entertaining if the Olympic weight lifters did the gymnastic thing for a night, outfits and all.
9. “America wins EVERYTHING”
I actually have no problem with this one.
Well, I think we can all agree that these games would be far more Xtreme. And far better. Ne-X-t time the Olymp-Xs roll around, I’ll be X-pecting something X-treme.
